Well before we moved in, Dave was like, chill babes, being prime minister is basically like a gap year, only longer & with more helicopters, trust me, it will be the best fun EVER, Tony literally got to declare war as well as hang out with, like, the hottest babes on the planet, I think he said, plus top intellectuals, obvs. I was like, as in? Dave was like, Noel Gallagher, proudest day of his life, Blair said, bear in mind The Chuckle Brothers were massive back then.

I was like, OK, five years, max. Because I actually think Enoch Powell was right about politics being just like modelling? As in it is kind of different for a while & you get to meet the weirdest people etc but in the end, I said to Mummy, you need to find a proper job, look at Alexa’s brand, plus everyone says Lily Cole is a shoo-in for master of All Souls if Cara does not beat her to it? Mummy was like, absolutely darling, of course you would miss the dear Goves, but one hears of some marvellous Portuguese couples these days.

So I am literally booking five flights to Ibiza, leaving at one minute after midnight, May 7th & suddenly Dave is like, stop babes, I’ve been thinking, should we stay here a bit longer? I’m like, can’t it wait, they need a statement on ebola quarantine? He’s like, seriously, now we have the Grey Coat place? Plus we have not even met Benedict Cumberbatch? I’m like, so tell me, that Nick Hornby you can’t put down – is there anything in it about the free movement of workers or the Treaty of Paris, you do know Merkel is here next week?

Dave’s like, soz babes, if there is a next time I promise I will cook, not just weekends, plus the school stuff, homework, anything, please, I’m like, well you can start by answering that phone, he’s like, ‘sup Barry my man, how’s it hanging bro?

Barack’s like, marvellous, thank you David, did the children enjoy their stockings? Wonderful. Now if you could kindly pass me over to Samantha, unless you’re familiar with her thoughts on North Korea?

(the guardian)