Name: His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales.

Street name: Prince Harry.

Age: 32.

Appearance: Handsome devil.

Occupation: Gadabout.

Oh lord, what has he done now? Please tell me there isn’t a video? Don’t worry, it’s nothing like that. It’s just that he’s got a new girlfriend.

Phew. I thought he already had one called Tottenham? Do you mean Chelsy?

Let’s decide that I do. They split up seven years ago. Then he had another one called Cressida.

That’s a good prince’s girlfriend kind of name. Indeed. But they broke up, too. Now it is being widely reported that he has got together with Meghan Markle. They have been spotted wearing what appear to be matching bracelets.

Who she? She’s an actor, very beautiful, 35 years old. You might know her as Rachel Zane from the legal drama Suits.

I don’t. Never mind. She’s also … how can I put this?

As long as she’s not a divorced American. The royal family has had enough of them after that Wallis Simpson business. Actually, that’s exactly what she is. But I was thinking of something else.

Harry’s not going to be king, so maybe it will be OK as long as she behaves herself and offers up her body as a vessel for the royal bloodline. That’s the thing. Markle is dual-heritage. Her father is white and her mother is African American.So? Look, most of the 20th century was a mistake and we want racial superiority back. We had a referendum about it, remember?

O … K. Actually, I still find some aspects of that problematic. Typical Remoaner.

We’re getting off topic. You’re right. The point is, how can people combine idolising the royals with being racist if the next batch of princes and princesses have a black grandmother?

Tricky. I’m sure the newspapers will provide leadership at this difficult time. They just keep coyly calling Markle “a brunette” and not saying anything about it, even on lists of “everything we know” about her.

What has Harry had to say? Nothing. Both he and Markle have kept silent about the whole thing.

How are people going to know what to think about his personal relationships if he won’t talk about them? It’s very selfish. I agree.

Do say: “I suppose that Nazi costume was ironic, after all.”

Don’t say: “Remember that some people claim Harry is half-ginger.”

(The Guardian)